Being a scapegoat is Never about a person’s inherent worth as a human being:

“Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.” (Terry Real, 2018)

“The origins of the scapegoat, black sheep, and shadow keeper

It would be difficult and remiss of me to begin unfurling the origins of scapegoating without first addressing the topic of patriarchy as they are intricately woven in together. In this article, the use of the term patriarchy is referring to the dominator cultures spurned during this time (beginning approximately 8000 BC—depending on which research you look at). These cultures instilled models of what it meant to be an acceptable human being and dictated societal norms where fear, force, power over, and a privileged hierarchy were enforced (Riane Eisler, 1987).

This dominator model restricted and demonized the feminine, i.e., mother nature, & the earth, women, cycles of birth, death and rebirth, transformation, regeneration, the cave, the veil, the body and the physical, sacred sexuality, intuition, ‘darkness’, the womb, the underworld, the ocean, the unconscious, and the hidden. This demonizing targeted the dark goddesses that symbolized the above, such as Inanna, Ishta, Medusa, and Lilith (who is mentioned in many creation myths from ancient Babylon, Sumer, and the Near East).

Before patriarchy, many ancient tribes and cultures created ceremonies and rituals in which they dealt more consciously with the ‘shadow’ aspects of being human or the ‘sins/indiscretions’ of the tribe. Often, these ceremonies and/or rituals were carried out by powerful and gifted people (originally women who held shamanic roles within their tribe or community). They were born and raised for this sacred role and were often handed to spiritual leaders such as the Shaman, Healers/Medicine women, or Priestess as young children to be trained by them. If not, the person(s) who held the spiritual leadership in the tribe would appoint a special person to be the ‘nominated shadow keeper’, ‘sin eater’ or ‘Bogeyman’ for the tribe.

This powerful, honoured and sacred role carried by this courageous member of the tribe would be a heavy mantle and weight to bear. To the point, that in some tribes, when the nominated scapegoat/sin eater arrived in their midlife, their life would be kindly and compassionately ended because the tribe knew it was too large a burden for one person to bear for too many years. Either way, these people were revered for their powerful role in the tribe and were given a home, food, and respect worthy of this status.

 

Enter the patriarchy/dominator model and the beginning of scapegoating as we know it

The ancients understood the nature of balance and connection to the sacred feminine and masculine principals (which have nothing to do with gender) as part of overall wellbeing of the planet and all sentient beings. Over the eons, as patriarchal norms and narratives became more powerful, the ongoing consequences presented themselves. This includes the creation of disconnection and separation within the human being from her essential nature, the impairment or severing of the human being’s relationship with other important attachment relationships, as well as to the land/earth, to Spirit, ancestors, and their purpose. Additionally, demonizing parts of themselves and others that were considered more feminine in nature and energy. Thus began a long history of intergenerational trauma due to these ongoing losses (Healing the American Indian Soul Wound).

Terry Real from his book ‘Fierce Intimacy’ supports this by saying the following, “As the patriarchal force scapegoated the ‘feminine principle’ in the sexes, women lost their voices and empowerment and were forced to be ‘nice and submissive’…whilst men lost their ability to be vulnerable and became fortressed and invulnerable.”

As previously mentioned, a typical scapegoated archetype of the patriarchal narrative is Lilith. She was a powerful dark goddess of the age of Taurus (approximately 4400 BCE and before) who, as well as being known as the first wife of Adam, was demonized and exiled by the Old Testament patriarchal God because she refused to lie beneath or submit to Adam and God’s wishes. She, like many other powerful goddesses, (Inanna, Ishta, and Medusa) were demonized and scapegoated by the patriarchs and their ‘sky’ gods. Or, they were reduced to being mere ‘consorts’ of a male god. 

Another scapegoat archetype is found in the biblical narrative of Jehoshua (Jesus of the New Testament). As part of this well-known narrative, we find Jehoshua, the son of God, in the Garden of Gethsemane. According to the narrative, Jehoshua took upon the sins of the world, then was cruelly scourged and crucified by the say so of his own people. In astrological terms, he is known as the ‘last scapegoat of the age of Aries’ (approximately 2100 CE to 100 BC). Included in Jehoshua’s scapegoat narrative was his closest female companion (often called his wife), Mary Magdalene. The biblical gospels labelling her as a sinful woman, prostitute or a woman who had demons driven from her. A woman during the time of the patriarchs (and especially after the Nicene Creed 325 AD) could never deem herself to be that powerful, so were often reduced or demonized by either cultural or religious beliefs of the time. 

In William Tyndale’s translation of the Bible, there’s a passage in Leviticus (Old Testament) where the Hebrew tribes would gather two healthy goats. One goat would have all the sins of the tribe symbolically pinned upon it and was considered sacred. The second goat would be sacrificed (meaning to ‘make sacred’), and the goat with the sins would be exiled out into the wilderness to carry the sins away. Sound familiar? And so, this term scapegoat is now what we use to talk about anybody that becomes a vessel to ‘carry away’ blame or to absorb blame from a family, a society, or a group of people and remove it from them.

Since this time, throughout history, the human species has seen varying cultures and peoples being scapegoated. With much of the focus being on the feminine and cultures associated with the feminine. Or anything that did not fit in the patriarchal/dominator model narrative or cultural norm. Some of these examples are the multitude of people who were first segregated than wiped out in many of the holocausts. Such as the subjugation and torture of women and other vulnerable people during the inquisitions and witch trials throughout Europe and America. The varying imprisonment and genocides of First Nation Peoples and cultures around the world during and post colonisation, the capture and enslavement of peoples stolen and sold from Africa, the Caribbean and other countries. Anyone who did not fit into the accepted NAZI paradigm during the Second World War, such as the Jewish people, same sex attracted peoples and Gypsies. And this is just naming a few, as we know there have been many, many more.

 

Scapegoating from a psychological framework

Scapegoating tends to begin at childhood. So, unfortunately, the child has not developed any life experience or wherewithal to recognize or understand that their caregivers who scapegoat them are the ones with the problem. They are also very unaware that loving, kind, and emotionally mature caregivers would never think of dividing their vulnerable children into being “all good” or ‘all bad” in their dispositions. Instead, they should acknowledge that everyone has a combination of strengths and limitations.

Black sheep/scapegoats can take the form of two types of roles in dysfunctional family systems: One type is a sacrificial victim for the unspoken issues or dark secrets in family. It could be a path of self-destruction like suicide, substance abuse, mental illness, or repeated existential failures. This can be described as the scapegoat/black sheep tragedy. While not their fault, this keeps the dysfunctional family system in a false sense of “we are better than them”. This terrible sacrifice is sadly a lost chance for the system healing. And, unfortunately, will often bring more devastation for next generations that follow (or until another soul is born who is able to shift and heal this paradigm).

 

The second scapegoat/black sheep type fits more of a warrior or fighter archetype. They are able to, with a lot of hard work, break open the dysfunctional cycle, to expose the dark secrets and to name issues, so the family system can heal. This means the next generation is likely to experience more freedom from the family systemic daemons.

 

To do this, another sacrifice is required and that is to be authentic. To do so, a high price must be paid, to hold onto one’s own truth, and to risk being rejected/condemned/ridiculed can be a lonely journey until these powerful humans find other scapegoat/black sheep who have also walked this healing path.

The same rules seem to apply to other systems like a workplace, intimate relationships, other groups (including friendships) and in society at large.

The impacts and consequences of being scapegoated

Being scapegoated can put children (and eventually the adult) at risk of a lifetime’s worth of emotional and psychological distress. They are often disadvantaged by being deprived of familial love as well as being made to be a ‘container’ for all the negativity and badness in the household. At the same time, never being acknowledged for having any positive attributes. The ongoing consequences of being the scapegoat means they will often take this painful set up into friendships, intimate relationships, and other environments which are harmful, continuing the abuse.

Because of their ‘upbringing’, being abused may often feel normal for family scapegoats, leaving them vulnerable and exposed to dangerous people, situations, and behaviours such as gaslighting. Behaviours such as gaslighting are very common in dysfunctional families. This makes it incredibly difficult for the scapegoated family member to understand what appropriate boundaries are, let alone know how to set one in place or recognize when their boundaries are being violated. Gaslighting often comes in the form of family scapegoats being told that they are too sensitive, or that the abuse experienced never happened.

Furthermore, the family scapegoat/black sheep is often disadvantaged because they have the tendency to swallow or ‘internalise’ the punitive messages about themselves that have been given to them. Sometimes even before birth (if the pregnancy was unwanted), or early childhood. The consequences of being the child, then the adult of this dynamic include involving themselves in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as alcohol or drug abuse, or other harmful risky behaviours, self-harm, self-neglect or acting out in ways that show evidence they deserve the title of black sheep or scapegoat. When, no child or adult ever does.

Other family black sheep or scapegoats may go on to forge ahead and shine in certain aspects of life, often in academia, some acquiring honors and doctorates or PHD’s, or in acquiring professional status. And yet in their private lives, they are still attracted or drawn to intimate partners or other relationships with people who are as unloving or abusive as their original caregivers and families. And behind closed doors, may struggle with their self-care, often allowing themselves to be exploited, denigrated, or oppressed.

A reframe; how the black sheep/scapegoat of the family can heal the old stories (re-storying) of intergenerational trauma and bring new life to the family tree

In her book, “My Body, My Earth: The Practice of Somatic Archaeology,” Dr Ruby Gibson says, “Within each body is an archaeological site that holds the details and wisdom of our extraordinary life story, composed of generational, spiritual, and personal experiences”. Dr Gibson goes on to say that within each family, whilst everyone has their story, one of the theses family members is a powerful human who is the holder of these stories of pain for their families. And part of their journey will be to heal these stories and discover the gifts buried by intergenerational trauma. They are called the storytellers (or re-storytellers) who are hidden in the guise of the family scapegoat or black sheep.

So, the question begging to be asked is, how does the family black sheep/scapegoat reframe and heal their stories of ancestral pain? And then how do they find the gifts that have been waiting for them? This article was not written with the intention to fully unpack this part of the equation. However, the following healing practices are true and tried for many (including the author) who have healed their pain, broken intergenerational cycles, and re-storyed their lives to one of personal empowerment and authenticity:

Family Constellations Work founded by Bert Hellinger is a healing practice facilitated either in groups or one on one with a trained practitioner. This beautiful practice is where healing ancestral pain and trauma is identified by the individual on the historical and current familial patterns of pain. As well as the physical, emotional, cognitive, spiritual, and interpersonal aspects of the individual’s life. These ancestral burdens of pain can be relinquished, responsibility handed to where it belongs, and the ‘order of love’ re-established so the individual can feel ancestral support verses ancestral pain and trauma. In addition to this, the black sheep/scapegoat is finally able to embrace the ancestral gifts as well as the supportive cultural archetypes and traditions that are part of their inheritance. 

Deepening one’s understanding of other kinds of ancestral healing work and connecting to more Animist traditions such as shamanic practices and rituals support the healing practices. Reading authors such as Dr Daniel Foor and engaging in his experiential online trainings called ‘Ancestral Medicine: Rituals for Personal and Family Healing’ offer an incredible amount of information on these practices, invite personal growth and reflection. As well as encouraging the individual’s own investigations through many links and articles he uploads to his website.

  

Another helpful methodology which can support the black sheep/scapegoat’s healing process is to look at their stories through a psychological, astrological lens. This enables the black sheep/scapegoat to understand more about themselves as a whole person. Both from a strength based and skills perspective, as well as the life lessons and/or challenges they were born to work with and turn into gifts for their life’s purpose. This includes the ancestral and/or past life unfinished business or trauma (if your belief system supports this). Unpacking the individual’s birth chart can put into perspective and undo the harmful narrative that many black sheep/scapegoats carry, i.e., “I must be a bad person in order for this to keep happening to me”.

 

Engaging with a psychotherapist, counsellor, or psychologist who is fully trained in trauma informed somatic work is also highly recommended as noted by authors and practitioner’s such as the afore mentioned Dr Ruby Gibson, Mark Wolyn, and Dr Gabor Mate. These therapists understand that the stories of trauma, both from an ancestral, cellular level and the black sheep/scapegoat’s family of origin live in the individual’s body. And the healing happens on multiple levels, not just the cognitive memories of the individual. These therapists also understand that engaging with and assisting the scapegoated individual to remember their ‘Organicity Principle’ or inner wisdom that we’re born with, (i.e. our natural inheritance) is essential to their journey of unburdening the enforced ‘Shadow Keeper’ and becoming more authentically themselves. Unfortunately, from their early years, the black sheep/scapegoat was ‘talked out of’ this and instead given a story of disempowerment and of being wrong as a human. Therefore, learning skills such as healthy boundaries, self-responsibility verses ‘other’ responsibility, self-regulation, and developing a compassionate, nonjudgmental inner witness are necessary. And will enable the black sheep/scapegoat to build a more solid scaffolding in relation to re-storying their life’s narrative.

Quotes that reframe the scapegoat or black sheep of the family



“A family’s black sheep are actually liberators of their family tree.”

“The so-called black sheep of the family tree are, in fact, from birth, hunters born of paths of liberation into the family tree to heal the repetitive stories that frustrate entire generations.

Family members who don’t adapt to family rules or traditions, those who constantly try to revolutionise beliefs. Those who choose roads contrary to the well-beaten paths of family lines, those who are criticised, judged and even rejected. These so-called ′′ black sheep “, the ones that don’t fit, the ones that howl with rebellion, actually repair, detox, and create new thriving branches in their family tree.

Uncountable repressed desires, unfulfilled dreams, the frustrated talents of our ancestors are manifested in the rebelliousness of these black sheep seeking fulfillment. The genealogical tree inertia will want to continue to maintain the castrating and toxic course of its trunk, which makes the task of our sheep a difficult and conflicting work. Stop doubting and take care of your rarity,

Thanks to these members, our trees renew their roots. Its rebellion is fertile soil, its madness is water that nourishes, its stubbornness is new air, its passion is fire that re-ignites the light of the heart of the ancestors

However, who would bring new flowers to our tree if it were not for them? Who would create new branches? Without them, the unfulfilled dreams of those who support the tree generations ago would die buried beneath their own roots.

Let no one cause you to doubt, take care of your rarity as the most precious flower of your tree.

You are the dream of your ancestors.” — Bert Hellinger

 

“Each Family has a black sheep, shadow keeper, or scapegoat also known as the Sacrificial Lamb. Meaning you were placed here to break the intergenerational curses and trauma that were placed on your lineage.

Your ‘oddness’ is what makes you great and your journey is a bit more complex. You will go through many trials and tribulations that will break you down and force you to rebuild yourself even stronger.

Your family will be your greatest obstacle as well as your greatest teacher

Keep your heard high. Your worth cannot be taken from you, for it was given to you before you were born. In the midst of the journey of transforming from being a scapegoat to a Storyteller, we often discover wings we never knew we had. — (Monique Love, Facebook quote, 2018)

 

“Black Sheep of the family are often the most influential. That’s because they often become self-healers so they can break generational curses in order to free themselves and others from repeating unhealthy patterns or behaviours.” — (Baba Yaga, 6/02/2022, Facebook Post)

 

“If we carry intergenerational trauma (and we do), then we also carry intergenerational wisdom. It’s in our genes and in our DNA.”— Kazu Haga

 

“Pain travels through family lines until someone is ready to heal it in themselves. By going through the agony of healing you no longer pass the poison chalice onto the generations that follow. It is incredibly important and sacred work — (Stephi Wagner, 2018, Facebook Post)

 

“Reparenting interrupts Intergenerational Trauma. So much trauma is passed from mother and father to child in their words and actions. When we reparent ourselves, we stop that cycle. We become the healthy parent our inner child never had and the parent to our children we always wanted to be.”( https://theholisticpsychologist.com/what-is-reparenting)

References:

Eric Brahm (2004). Scapegoating. https://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/scapegoating

Riane Eisler; (1987) The Chalice and the Blade. (Book)

Daniel Foor (2017). Ancestral Medicine: Rituals for Personal and Family healing. (Book)

Demetra George (1992 ). Mysteries of the Dark Moon: Th Healing Power of the Dark Goddess. (Book)

Ruby Gibson ( 2008) My Body, My Earth: The Practice of Somatic Archeology (Book)

Bert Hellinger: Family Constellations. https://.hellinger.com>family constellation

Barbara Black Koltuv: (1986 ) The Book of Lilith (Book)

Gabor Mate’: (2023). The Myth of Normal: Trauma , Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture.

Rebecca. C. Mandeville. LMFT (2020) Rejected, Shamed and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role (Book)

Nadra Nittle (2022) What Does it Mean to Be the Family Scapegoat?

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-the-family-scapegoat-5187038

Monica Sjoo & Barbara Mor (2013). Rediscovering the Religion of the Earth. (Book)

Mark Wolynn (2017). It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle. (Book)